Growth

I have a tendency to open my journal up every now and again and read the old entries I've written just so that I can be swept back into my past with a whirlwind of emotions. Today was one of such occasions and I was choked up with the emotions i felt a few months ago from a particular entry. This sudden, short-lived, loss of time made me wonder what I had written on that same day a year prior, and then again the year before that and I was quite astonished at the differences in my priorities and even the way I wrote. I've done a remarkable job at keeping 90% of my emotions and thoughts barricaded inside myself or this journal for a very long time, but I feel sharing these three entries won't do much harm. Here they are, chronologically; the growth is quite evident.

February 4, 2008 (age 17):
Woot. ASVAB testing = no 1-3 periods. So bomb. Oh, and I got a 99% on my pre-cal test. I still blame the calculator. Pfft. I'm hungry. I feel sick. I should know better than to drink a monster on an empty stomach. Blah. I like how Villa knows how I'm feeling just by how much I say to him and whether or not I'm wearing make-up. Hah. "You're in a much better mood than you were in the beginning of the week." Yes, I am. And no, I'm not. Aha. I am a paradox. My eyes hurt from looking at the test. My neck hurts from looking down to read/answer the questions. And I still feel stomach-sick. 3 sections down. 6 to go? ...kay, 5 to go. Omg! STFU. I know, I'm mean. Whatever. People keep coughing and tapping their damn feet and ugh. The noise is fking annoying. And now my stomach won't stop growling. I should've left my ipod on.




February 4, 2009 (age 18):
I hate feeling so unproductive. I've been sitting here for 5 1/2 hours...doing nothing. I feel like I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. And the only people I do want to talk to are busy with other things. =/ I feel like such a loner. Who do I have? Jon, yes. And I love talking to him, spending time with him, etc. but sometimes I just can't do either. So who do I have? Ugh. I have a headache. On a more positive note: Three years ago today, I fell in love with Jonathan at winter formal.




February 4, 2010 (age 19):
God, my heart doesn't stop hurting. The tears never seem to stop. I want to love you more passionately than I ever have, but I don't know how to let go. He's forever engraved inside my heart, inside my thoughts. My past is drowned in the words he spoke, the love we shared. Every where I look, there's something there to remind me of him. His face is everywhere. His voice escapes from the lips of others. My thoughts are so saturated with him that he's begun to seep into memories that never included him; He's almost as vivid as the actual memory itself. I thought after two years I'd be done writing pages upon pages about him but clearly he will never set my mind free. But I don't want him to win against you. I didn't think I would have even made it to this point, but God, I love you more than him. I would choose you over him every time. I would endure this for you every day for what you endured for me. But I need your help. I have no doubt that you're the only reason I haven't just about died. I don't know if this selfish or if I'm allowed to ask this, but God I just want to hear you. I want to hear your whispers in my ear, every day. I want to distinguish you from my own thoughts. I want all of me to be a direct cause of your will. I want to be the true person I am: your princess, your child, your beloved. Always. I don't want my heart to call out for him; I want it to call out for only you. To desperately and lovingly call out for you. Please, God. You hold this tiny pebble that we call "earth" in your hand with every other star and galaxy. We all hang in your hand. Please give me peace. Make me whole with your love. I feel like my mind is grasping you quicker and easier than my heart. And that's all that's left. That's what matters. But my heart is reluctant to let go. Capture it, Father. Please.