I'm so sick of being constantly overwhelmed either by sheer grief or resonating nostalgia. My heart makes living so hard, or rather, my heart makes living for what I want to live for so hard. How is it that my brain can now make perfect sense of things; that it can decipher what I need to be doing as opposed to what I want to be doing, and choose the former, but my heart keeps getting in the way? Sure, laughter reaches me from time to time, but it's only temporary. The sting hasn't lessened, nor has it been even momentarily erased. I try and read my Bible, and it does help. While reading the word I get a sense of joy and affirmation to the decision I've made, but as soon as I set it down, I've lost it. I've lost myself. I suppose that's a good thing, right? To be dependent on something as holy as God's word must mean I'm starting to do something right, but why can't I harness that feeling for longer than it takes me to read? I almost wish I had no emotion at all. As depressing of a wish that is, to give up joy and laughter, at least then I'd also be giving up pain and sorrow. Then again, its as soon as I've finished thinking that that I realize how much I need this. I'm never going to grow if it isn't through sorrow. I'm never going to accomplish whatever it is God has in store for me if I can't survive giving up the one thing that's been most precious to me for so long. I'm growing, or trying to, through all the tears, and all the wars my heart has now waged upon my mind. I need to trust God, I know, and I so desperately want to! I just don't know how. I'm trusting that even in solitude, I'll be alright. That God really is all I need. I wish my heart would give up fighting that.
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah17:9
