Hooray for new music!

So I secretly just want to turn into a super indie chick. I have an idea of how to do this.

First: add to my musical arsenal.
Second: add to my wardrobe...a lot.
Third: either a) keep dying my hair different colors or b) go back to my original hair color but get lots of hats/beanies/headbands. (most likely b)

Oh to dream haha

Growth

I have a tendency to open my journal up every now and again and read the old entries I've written just so that I can be swept back into my past with a whirlwind of emotions. Today was one of such occasions and I was choked up with the emotions i felt a few months ago from a particular entry. This sudden, short-lived, loss of time made me wonder what I had written on that same day a year prior, and then again the year before that and I was quite astonished at the differences in my priorities and even the way I wrote. I've done a remarkable job at keeping 90% of my emotions and thoughts barricaded inside myself or this journal for a very long time, but I feel sharing these three entries won't do much harm. Here they are, chronologically; the growth is quite evident.

February 4, 2008 (age 17):
Woot. ASVAB testing = no 1-3 periods. So bomb. Oh, and I got a 99% on my pre-cal test. I still blame the calculator. Pfft. I'm hungry. I feel sick. I should know better than to drink a monster on an empty stomach. Blah. I like how Villa knows how I'm feeling just by how much I say to him and whether or not I'm wearing make-up. Hah. "You're in a much better mood than you were in the beginning of the week." Yes, I am. And no, I'm not. Aha. I am a paradox. My eyes hurt from looking at the test. My neck hurts from looking down to read/answer the questions. And I still feel stomach-sick. 3 sections down. 6 to go? ...kay, 5 to go. Omg! STFU. I know, I'm mean. Whatever. People keep coughing and tapping their damn feet and ugh. The noise is fking annoying. And now my stomach won't stop growling. I should've left my ipod on.




February 4, 2009 (age 18):
I hate feeling so unproductive. I've been sitting here for 5 1/2 hours...doing nothing. I feel like I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. And the only people I do want to talk to are busy with other things. =/ I feel like such a loner. Who do I have? Jon, yes. And I love talking to him, spending time with him, etc. but sometimes I just can't do either. So who do I have? Ugh. I have a headache. On a more positive note: Three years ago today, I fell in love with Jonathan at winter formal.




February 4, 2010 (age 19):
God, my heart doesn't stop hurting. The tears never seem to stop. I want to love you more passionately than I ever have, but I don't know how to let go. He's forever engraved inside my heart, inside my thoughts. My past is drowned in the words he spoke, the love we shared. Every where I look, there's something there to remind me of him. His face is everywhere. His voice escapes from the lips of others. My thoughts are so saturated with him that he's begun to seep into memories that never included him; He's almost as vivid as the actual memory itself. I thought after two years I'd be done writing pages upon pages about him but clearly he will never set my mind free. But I don't want him to win against you. I didn't think I would have even made it to this point, but God, I love you more than him. I would choose you over him every time. I would endure this for you every day for what you endured for me. But I need your help. I have no doubt that you're the only reason I haven't just about died. I don't know if this selfish or if I'm allowed to ask this, but God I just want to hear you. I want to hear your whispers in my ear, every day. I want to distinguish you from my own thoughts. I want all of me to be a direct cause of your will. I want to be the true person I am: your princess, your child, your beloved. Always. I don't want my heart to call out for him; I want it to call out for only you. To desperately and lovingly call out for you. Please, God. You hold this tiny pebble that we call "earth" in your hand with every other star and galaxy. We all hang in your hand. Please give me peace. Make me whole with your love. I feel like my mind is grasping you quicker and easier than my heart. And that's all that's left. That's what matters. But my heart is reluctant to let go. Capture it, Father. Please.

One.

It always takes just one single conversation, just one, and I'm back to where I started. Discernment is never within reach. My mind is spinning, literally. I am unwell physically, mentally, and emotionally, but even still I'm happy. I'm terrified beyond any measure that I ever have been before, but I'm happy. I hate emotions, they make no sense.

Missing Puzzle Peace

For the past two or three months my mother's side of the family started getting together about once or twice a month just to stay close and keep each other in the loop of our hectic lives. When these meetings were first suggested I was already so skeptical about how well they would go and if anyone would even enjoy them. I'm happy to say that I was wrong. It's been wonderful seeing my cousins, my aunts, and my grandma for a few hours one night out of the month. However, in the midst of all the merriment and revelry, a few arguments arose and kept arising. And then it hit me; Here I've been waiting on God to show me what my next task is and he finally showed it to me. More than anything I need to be the missing puzzle piece that connects and holds the rest of my family together. Let me rephrase, I need to be the piece of peace, the unit of unity. Tensions have slowly been boiling between several family members; Families have turned against families, grudges have been made and held onto, and I feel like I'm the only one who sees what's truly going on. The devil has waged war against my family, and quite frankly, he has the upper hand at the moment. He's successfully divided up what was once a crazy, eccentric and maybe a bit dysfunctional, but above all, united family. He's planted the insatiable love of money into the hearts of one family, and the cold and hardness of unforgiveness in the others. Each family has devised and grouped up; its "them" vs. "us" but the mindset of each is the same: "if you're not with us, you're with them." They've forgotten what it is to be a family, to love unconditionally, to forgive "seventy times seven times." I sat there at my aunt's dining table completely bewildered and shocked as I saw the destruction that lay ahead for us. "Here I am, send me" I've been saying to God, and send me he has. If ever there was a time for words to not fail me, this is it. This is me fighting back. I'm bringing peace back into this family.

A Breath of Fresh Air

For the first time in a long time I can just breathe. I can be still and not fall captive to memories. I can lie down and not force myself to be occupied with anything. I can just be. I still have no idea what God has in store for me, and a few doors have been opened, all leading in different directions, but I'm okay with the unknown. Whatever it is, God is going to use me however he wants. I'm happy; in God, with life, with me. I'm not still punishing myself and I think that's a great feat on it own. Life is moving and so am I. Passion is surging through my veins again. I want so much more than I ever thought. I will do great things because I'll be doing them for His glory.

My cheeks are so red, and it's definitely not because of this sunburn. Instead of searching for joy, I'm having trouble containing it. It's like I'm breathing new air, fresh air, and it's intoxicating.

Another battle, another war.

I'm so sick of being constantly overwhelmed either by sheer grief or resonating nostalgia. My heart makes living so hard, or rather, my heart makes living for what I want to live for so hard. How is it that my brain can now make perfect sense of things; that it can decipher what I need to be doing as opposed to what I want to be doing, and choose the former, but my heart keeps getting in the way? Sure, laughter reaches me from time to time, but it's only temporary. The sting hasn't lessened, nor has it been even momentarily erased. I try and read my Bible, and it does help. While reading the word I get a sense of joy and affirmation to the decision I've made, but as soon as I set it down, I've lost it. I've lost myself. I suppose that's a good thing, right? To be dependent on something as holy as God's word must mean I'm starting to do something right, but why can't I harness that feeling for longer than it takes me to read? I almost wish I had no emotion at all. As depressing of a wish that is, to give up joy and laughter, at least then I'd also be giving up pain and sorrow. Then again, its as soon as I've finished thinking that that I realize how much I need this. I'm never going to grow if it isn't through sorrow. I'm never going to accomplish whatever it is God has in store for me if I can't survive giving up the one thing that's been most precious to me for so long. I'm growing, or trying to, through all the tears, and all the wars my heart has now waged upon my mind. I need to trust God, I know, and I so desperately want to! I just don't know how. I'm trusting that even in solitude, I'll be alright. That God really is all I need. I wish my heart would give up fighting that.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah17:9

Slowly Snapping Out of this Great Delusion

1 Peter 2:11 - "Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh which wage war against your soul."

My world is completely being flipped. I can't see yet what lies ahead, or which direction I'm even going in for that matter, but I know this is where God is leading me. I'm seeking out true joy, difficult as it may be, in Him alone. Psalms 37:4, its astonishing to see how much the "desires of my heart" have changed.